I’m was not a person who’d pay attention much to the media much. Unless it was social media… I know a lot of women & men have been coming out telling their stories about being sexually abused. Their abusers have been men of power. Someone in the entertainment industry that had major clout. Now there are people that have been “victim shaming” and saying these women/men should have known better. Then there are people who just do not believe them. As I sat back to reflect my own personal views on this topic I stopped and was like what if I were in their shoes? Finally being brave enough to tell the world that I was physically abused and kept it from my family and friends. The #MeToo campaign and Oprah’s powerful speech gave me the strength to tell my story of abuse.
Listen it takes a brave soul to set aside the guilt you have to utter those words to another individual. When I look at different television programs such as Fatal Attraction or even Snapped, I know that could have easily been me either dead or in prison 9 years ago.
Insecurity in anyone is dangerous. I got to witness first hand what happens when an insecure man goes haywire. So if my memory serves me correctly we were arguing about me talking to another guy. Now, this was my boyfriend at the time, the relationship was pretty new, it had been six months. He got so angry that he punched a hole in my closet door. By this time I’m not fearful, (I should have been)but I was angry. Like nicca who going to pay for that to get fixed? Real talk I did not want that coming out of my security deposit. We are in MY 600 square foot one bedroom apartment, arguing in the bedroom where I also had futon my grandmother got me. He is on the futon and I’m on the bed. I’m not sure what the trigger words were, but knowing my mouth back then, I held nothing back. This man leaps from the futon on to the bed landed on top of me and begin to choke me. This was no playful choke, this was I hate you and I possibly will end your life right now hold. When I realized that he was not letting go I began to fight back. Digging my nails into his skin for him to release his hold on me.
Once he let go, I ran into my living room and uttered the infamous black woman words when she sick and tired of a man “Get the f*$k out of my house!” Now the problem at the time he had no place to go. He was not from Michigan so he had no family or real friends to go stay with. At this point, I did not care. I wanted him out of my sight. He begins to do the ugly Kim Kardashian cry and begging me to forgive him. He promised to go to anger management counseling and we would work things out. He never went and I did not leave him.
I cannot even tell you why I did not leave the first time he choked me. It was not fear of him finding me and killing me. I just continued the relationship because he said he would never do it again. Needless to say, that was not the last time I allowed this man to put his hands on me. We moved out of state together and it happen a couple more times. The last incident was were I could have been on the television show Snapped. For those that are not familiar it’s show that feature women who have committed murder. They do not just kill anyone, it’s either their husbands or boyfriends.
So you see where my head was by this time. I was willing to give up my freedom. BUT GOD saved me from myself. I got enough courage to tell my mother and best friend Toni what was going on in my relationship. Of course, the mother wanted to send the goons from the D to handle this guy, I had to tell her back now Nino Brown. My best friend kept 911 on speed dial at this time. However it was up to me, was I going to be singing the lyrics from Rihanna’s Man Down while I’m taking away in handcuffs….or would so choose to live and tell my story singing Marvin Sapp’s The Best In Me.
Well, clearly I decided on God between the two. I remove myself from that abusive environment. I learned more than just not letting a man put his hands on me again. The red flags I ignored, the huge one was insecurity. The insecurity in myself and this man. I should have never had a second thought for the first time he displayed his true colors. However, because I lacked self-love I continue this toxic relationship. Also I learned to not stay silent about my suffering. I think back to that first incident, when he was on top of me, choking me, I could have died. God clearly had other plans for my life, but I’m not going to ashamed about my abuse. It happened to me and it was not okay.