There was an ah-ha moment I had a couple of days ago. Since I been going to see a psychologist I believe I discovered the reason why my desire to have sex was so hyperactive.  Although my childhood experience probably had a lot to contribute to it, the movies with teenagers (or casting people to play teens) encouraged being sexually active early. The motive behind getting us to lose our virginity early I not yet have an answer for, but there was a reason.

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On March 5, 1999, I was the tender age of 12 when Cruel Intentions came to the big screen. If you not familiar with the film I will give a very brief synopsis. Two rich caucasian teens, who parents rarely made an appearance, who used placed bets on how fast they can have sex when someone without falling in love. The two main characters were also step siblings that actually were sexually attracted to one another and also displayed how much they wanted one another on screen. Their specialty was preying on virgins and leaving them in the wind. Sounds like a great movie?

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Yeah now that I’m in my thirties, mentoring young girls, and will be starting my own family one day this movie is nothing I would recommend to a pre-teen or teenager. Even with Selma Blair’s character iconic scene when she dancing and singing “secret society”, which I still quote to this day, I still cannot allow anyone under the age of 18 see this film. All the movies that came out around that time were never showing how we are supposed to be abstinent. The movies like American Pie, Gossip, The Skulls, Love and Basketball, Scary Movie, Crazy/Beautiful, NEVER gave us a message about waiting to have sex. These movies, among a bunch more like them, normalized sex for teenagers.

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Parents get so nervous and worried their teenager is being sexually active too early and seem to have no clue why they are not more interested in their school work instead. Whelp I think it finally hit me who is helping push the teenagers to this point. Now do not get me wrong, I’m sure there are a million other factors that come into play when a teen decides to make that step. However what the television shows and movies are supplying is the seed. The curiosity of it all, wanting to feel like the people you see on the screen.

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Cruel Intentions was a good movie and the soundtrack was firah. The movie being good does not excuse the fact it was rated R and I was watching it at 12 at that time. Lo (my mom) really dropped the ball on what she allowed me to watch. Yeah, Spice World was cool but there is no way I should have been watching American Pie the unrated version. *shout out to my bestie Stephanie for getting her mom to rent it* HA! All in all, if you are a parent or have a teen in your life, protect them from media influence.

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So this post is about 11 days late overdue, but it is still very relevant. With all highs, you experience extreme lows. Us humans forget that we have been through a lot of hell and triumph through, which made us even stronger individuals. All the tools we needed to get to the next stage in life, we already possess. We get a case of amnesia and go into a panic, which if not caught early, spirals our lives out of control. This then leads to self-doubt, depression, anxiety, sadness, and all of the in between.

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I have decided to throw the entire month of  February in the garage. Seriously acting as it did not even exist. Reason? It was trash!! Granted I excelled in some parts of my life, family and my career being a couple…..I completely failed at the rest. Now I’m learning failure is needed to stand on when you are becoming successful, but I’m going to be hard on myself. The ish I let go on in February was a rookie move. I’m a heavy hitter….everything I was doing I did not consult with my Lord and Savior. I was falling down so hard each time because I was trying to run this ship called life without him being the driver. I figure he got my ship to start sailing I could go ahead and handle the journey. BUT I WAS COMPLETELY WRONG IN MY THINKING. I always need God to stay in control of my journey. Especially when I think I got the hang of things. That’s when I’m most vulnerable.

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Giving control over to God should be simple because he is the creator of my existence. He has proven time and time again that he has my back. But it’s so hard because I lack the amount of faith to trust in the spirit. I’m admitting I do not have complete faith 100% of the time. It actually hurts just admitting that, because how can I say I have Jesus but do not trust that he can lead me completely? However, I have to be honest with myself in order to get better.

March has been very good so far since I press that reset button. I’m looking forward to finishing out this first quarter of the year on top of my game in every area of my life. Whenever God says move, ONLY THEN, I will execute. I’m not sure how anyone else can live without having complete faith in Christ. In my opinion, you are living a harder lfe than you really have to….

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Most women would say not much to the question in this title. Sex has become the “deal breaker” in a lot of relationships. Something so precious and meant to be sacred is now just the normalcy of most relationships. Men pride themselves on getting the females into bed quickly while some women confused having great sex with a guy is him loving her. The harsh reality of this all, in my opinion, both men and women are creating more harm than good when a relationship is based on sex.

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The fact I’m not private about being celibate in my current relationship…..the shock never gets old when people find out. I have made the decision to wait until I’m someone’s wife before I have sex again. Trust me when I tell you it was not an easy decision. Especially the sexual background I had. My decision was not based on heartbreak from a man, its strictly because my walk will aline with my talk. I’m a strong woman of God and in order for me to represent the body of Christ correctly, I must lead by example. What is funny though when I tell people their reactions and what I’m thinking about when I get questions like “how long you been doing that? oh, girl you a strong one, I could not do that” or “he’s okay with that? that’s different”

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If I was having sex in my relationship now and it was removed you would have an unbreakable bond left. Not to brag but my relationship is amazing. Our journey to the road we are currently at now has been earth-shattering. The highs and lows of this love were designed in a way that strengthens us both as adults. But enough about our love…I mention all of that to say sex is a non-factor and we still have a great relationship. Many women I have come across in the last five years believe that in order to have a successful relationship now of days it has to be burning up in the bedroom. Ladies, ladies….please stop selling yourself so short.

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I’m always speaking from experience, taking sex out of the equation helps strengthen a relationship. You do not have all the smoking mirrors when sex is involved. The two of you are 100% thinking with a clear head and seeing the true value in one another.

If you are like most women, you probably already put so much value on sex. I know before my current relationship I did too. That was a huge mistake. Truth time….OUR VAGINAS ARE ALL THEE SAME. Meaning whether it’s you or someone else, he can pretty much get the same deal. The fact you believe you are the only one that can satisfy him or the sex you have with him is what keeps him around isn’t a great way of thinking. I learned I wanted to be a priority to my man, the one he opens up to emotionally, take serious, vacations with…. he’s go-to for everything in life. Not just a nut and occasional pillow talk.

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Trust me I’m not judging the folks who choose to have sex before marriage. I was that woman at one time as well. It took several years, a serious breakdown and seeking God to get me to know my worth. I received my revelation from God that those relationships I entertained for so many years were not just based on sex but lead solely on a sexual foundation. They would have ended as soon as I decided to remove sex.

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So I simply ask you though…take away the sex from the equation. Even if you are not in a relationship and just are dating, how is your dating life if you reframed from sex? What kind of relationship foundation would you have? Is there still trust? do you still like/love him? is that obsession still there? Would your significant other stick around?

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I’m was not a person who’d pay attention much to the media much. Unless it was social media… I know a lot of women & men have been coming out telling their stories about being sexually abused. Their abusers have been men of power. Someone in the entertainment industry that had major clout. Now there are people that have been “victim shaming” and saying these women/men should have known better. Then there are people who just do not believe them. As I sat back to reflect my own personal views on this topic I stopped and was like what if I were in their shoes? Finally being brave enough to tell the world that I was physically abused and kept it from my family and friends. The #MeToo campaign and Oprah’s powerful speech gave me the strength to tell my story of abuse.

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Listen it takes a brave soul to set aside the guilt you have to utter those words to another individual. When I look at different television programs such as Fatal Attraction or even Snapped, I know that could have easily been me either dead or in prison 9 years ago.

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Insecurity in anyone is dangerous. I got to witness first hand what happens when an insecure man goes haywire. So if my memory serves me correctly we were arguing about me talking to another guy. Now, this was my boyfriend at the time, the relationship was pretty new, it had been six months. He got so angry that he punched a hole in my closet door. By this time I’m not fearful, (I should have been)but I was angry. Like nicca who going to pay for that to get fixed? Real talk I did not want that coming out of my security deposit. We are in MY 600 square foot one bedroom apartment, arguing in the bedroom where I also had futon my grandmother got me. He is on the futon and I’m on the bed. I’m not sure what the trigger words were, but knowing my mouth back then, I held nothing back. This man leaps from the futon on to the bed landed on top of me and begin to choke me. This was no playful choke, this was I hate you and I possibly will end your life right now hold. When I realized that he was not letting go I began to fight back. Digging my nails into his skin for him to release his hold on me.

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Once he let go, I ran into my living room and uttered the infamous black woman words when she sick and tired of a man “Get the f*$k out of my house!” Now the problem at the time he had no place to go. He was not from Michigan so he had no family or real friends to go stay with. At this point, I did not care. I wanted him out of my sight. He begins to do the ugly Kim Kardashian cry and begging me to forgive him. He promised to go to anger management counseling and we would work things out. He never went and I did not leave him.

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I cannot even tell you why I did not leave the first time he choked me. It was not fear of him finding me and killing me. I just continued the relationship because he said he would never do it again. Needless to say, that was not the last time I allowed this man to put his hands on me. We moved out of state together and it happen a couple more times. The last incident was were I could have been on the television show Snapped. For those that are not familiar it’s show that feature women who have committed murder. They do not just kill anyone, it’s either their husbands or boyfriends.

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So you see where my head was by this time. I was willing to give up my freedom. BUT GOD saved me from myself. I got enough courage to tell my mother and best friend Toni what was going on in my relationship. Of course, the mother wanted to send the goons from the D to handle this guy, I had to tell her back now Nino Brown. My best friend kept 911 on speed dial at this time. However it was up to me, was I going to be singing the lyrics from Rihanna’s Man Down while I’m taking away in handcuffs….or would so choose to live and tell my story singing Marvin Sapp’s The Best In Me.

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Well, clearly I decided on God between the two. I remove myself from that abusive environment. I learned more than just not letting a man put his hands on me again. The red flags I ignored, the huge one was insecurity. The insecurity in myself and this man. I should have never had a second thought for the first time he displayed his true colors. However, because I lacked self-love I continue this toxic relationship. Also I learned to not stay silent about my suffering. I think back to that first incident, when he was on top of me, choking me, I could have died. God clearly had other plans for my life, but I’m not going to ashamed about my abuse. It happened to me and it was not okay.

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Why has getting engaged become this big thing? Are we forgetting to build a solid foundation so that this big rock can stand on? How about actually knowing who you are before deciding you are ready to become some spouse….these are things I think about when I see engagements poppin up on social media.

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I had a conversation a month ago with some of my friends and one of them revealed that their friend only proposed because it was the “thing” to do. What type of crap is that? So you mean to tell me this man was not ready to commit his life to this woman? That he only purchase an engagement ring and planned this lavish proposal to only say months later….I’m not ready. Whaaaat?!??

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For those that are currently in a committed relationship, I know marriage comes up a lot. But you really have to ask yourself are you ready…seriously. Ladies, do you REALLY know what it means to be a wife? Are you ready to take on that responsibility? I do not care what these people are telling you, a girlfriend is not the same as a wife with only paperwork attached. IT’S NOT!!!

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Are you so obsessed with getting a ring that you forgot to continue to nurture the relationship? I’m going to real with you, relationships are hard AF! Yes, you have those awesome moments when you are all lovey-dovey and seem to not want to live without one another. However, when LIFE happens and things are not as peachy, your relationship gets tested. Baby, it gets real and only the strong survive. When you start breaking down those walls and communication between the two of you gets more real than ever before…..you start questioning things you thought you already knew the answer to.

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Listen I’m not saying you can not fantasize about the whole engagement process. Please do….but make sure you throw some reality into that fantasy. Know the person you are looking to marry someday. Do background check….what is their family like? Mom issues? Daddy issues? What is their 5-year plan? Shoot do they have any plans? Basically, I’m telling you to make sure they are your forever after. If they are not, you will find yourself constantly sliding into someone else DM’s, text messages….searching for fulfillment because you were worried about getting engaged before you were 30. I’m just saying

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